the sun shines, but i don’t

24 Oct

let me begin by saying: this album deserves a better post than this.

“mellon collie and the infinite sadness” by the smashing pumpkins turns 15 today. so does my cousin. i’ve been thinking a lot about these two lately, and about turning 15.

i’ve said, more times than i can count, that “mellon collie and the infinite sadness” introduced me to me.

everybody has THAT album, the one that changed/challenged everything. “mellon collie” is mine.

i loved it because i was an angry 14-year-old who had no idea why she was angry. looking back now, i can see why: hormones, mostly, mixed with not really liking myself, anyone at school, etc. but really, i didn’t know why i was so mad, and i didn’t know why billy corgan was so mad. i didn’t understand many of the lyrics, but i could take them and make them fit my life, my feelings – so “mellon collie” became like my diary, just set to awesome rock ‘n’ roll.

fifteen years later, it’s still one of my favorite albums of all time. i’m shocked i haven’t worn out my original CDs. the discs have traveled everywhere with me. today they ride around with me in my car, in my too-full CD case. they’ve flown to L.A. with me. they’ve been to all five years of college. everything.

i found so much comfort in this record. it taught me that it was ok to feel the way i felt, that i was normal. it also taught me that it was ok. things would get better. like i said, i didn’t know why billy was so angry, but hey, he’d made it. he’d worked through whatever it was enough to write about it, and look at how cool that turned out. he didn’t do anything so drastic; he just wrote a song about it. so, it must all be ok, really, in the end. don’t you love 14-year-old logic? 🙂

“mellon collie and the infinite sadness” is our november album for album club, and i’m really looking forward to exploring this record all over again. in some ways, i know it so well, better than i know me. then again, i’ve listened to it while working on this, and i’m hearing some things again, but for the first time, too.

i leave you with this: “x.y.u.” is one of the greatest songs, ever, and don’t you forget it.

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