she doesn’t love you

16 May

there seems to be a theme going on in my life right now, one i’m not particularly happy about (because, come on, blogging is like songwriting, you don’t generally do it when you’re happy). it can all be summed up with “moulin rouge.”

“it’s a wonderful life” is my favorite movie. it’s not flashy or stylish, but it is what it is, and i love it for that.

depending on the day you ask me, though, i might’ve said “moulin rouge” is my favorite movie. “moulin rouge,” now, it is stylish, and it epitomizes flashy. it’s everything that is sheena, really: it’s naively romantic, self-indulgent, colorfully tacky, and probably other adjectives i wish weren’t quite so true. i’ve always identified with this movie, and with the tragic heroes satine and christian and their love. “truth, beauty, freedom, love” – that was my mantra, although not quite so organized, even before i saw the film.

i haven’t watched “moulin rouge” in years, though. i just about wore out the dvd in college and swore i’d be pickier about when i broke it out.

so, just a few weeks ago, i decided to watch it again while baking a cheesecake (i always watch a movie while i bake…it usually helps). i thought singing along would make the cheesecake even better (it didn’t).

thing was…i couldn’t help but find the movie incredibly annoying. simple as that, everything about it was flat-out annoying.

not only that, but i felt like i’d outgrown the movie. like i was too old for it.

it was the best movie ever when i was 18 and saw it in the theater on opening weekend with my boyfriend, who loved it too, even though he complained about the use of “smells like teen spirit.” i loved it when my cousin sang the “moulin rouge” version of “lady marmalade” the entire way to florida that summer. it was still awesome years later when my friends and i gathered in one of of our tiny dorm rooms and watched it together and cried.

fast forward. nine years after its release, watching it in my kitchen at midnight, trying my hand at a pina colada cheesecake that i knew i was screwing up as i was making it, and freshly 27, it just didn’t fit. not anymore.

it reminded me of those shirts i still have from when i was 14: my first jeff buckley one, a few sister hazels, a tater red’s one. they’re all XLs, a size i wore when i was 14 because i thought my size – the same as my then-age – was incredibly fat and i wanted to hide my body. i still have those shirts; actually i just bought them out of storage to sleep in. while i’m still a fan of all those things, i’ve just outgrown those XLs (mentally, not physically – i’m in smaller size these days, yay). i guess the same goes for “moulin rouge” – i’m still down with the idea of truth, beauty, freedom and love, but i’m somehow over it, too.

and – this is the really tragic part of all this – there are way too many people in my life right now who i feel like i’ve outgrown, like “moulin rouge.”

one of them being the aforementioned boyfriend. we would break up about five months after seeing “moulin rouge,” but had you told me that there in the theater, i’d have called you crazy. probably would’ve embarrassed myself by saying, no, we’d be together forever: i’d be a music writer and he’d be a drummer, and we’d die fat and happy and, above all else, together.

nine years later: we don’t even like each other anymore. we talk – or, specifically, yell – at each other every few months or so. still, we both admit we’ll always be there for each other…so long as “being there” doesn’t mean actually being around each other for long, or else the yelling starts again. we have truly outgrown each other.

part of me wishes we got along better. even though we’ve both grown up and changed so much over the years, he still, in a lot of ways, knows me better than almost anyone else, and it would be great to have a friend like that.

i look at my circle of friends when i was 18 and, for the most part, i’m ok with where i am with everybody. there are some friendships that both of us involved have truly outgrown, probably for the best. but i think about my friends now, and i wonder, where will we be in 10 years? will we let time, distance, jobs, marriages, whatever, separate us?

over the years i’ve learned to appreciate the people in my life more, and i’m scared that this outgrowing, or whatever you want to call it, will hurt more now. i can’t imagine my closest friends not being a part of my life when i – egads– am freshly 37.

i just get too attached to things, to movies and songs, and to people.

i don’t know. maybe i should just watch “moulin rouge” when i’m not baking.

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