might paint something i might want to hang here someday

3 Feb

“art and love are the same thing: it’s the process of seeing yourself in things that are not you.”
— chuck klosterman, “killing yourself to live”

“i thought i could feel, feel, feel/music touching my soul/something warm, sudden cold.”
— “#9 dream,” john lennon

understatement of the year: i’ve learned a lot in the last three months.

maybe the most surprising thing i’ve learned, or, really, re-learned, is about the power of music.

the last three months have been a pure rollercoaster. mostly bad things have happened, some good things have happened –  and in both cases, not just to me, but to those around me. my heart has been supertender, too, and it almost can’t bear it all. but those stories aren’t the stories i’m here to tell.

this up-and-down life of mine has left me, by now, pretty much numb, afraid to feel too hopeful and tired of feeling down. i have no idea when the numbness started, really. i just know that about a month and a half ago, i wondered why i was listening to my pop playlist almost nonstop. with everything so insane, why did i keep a steady diet of lady gaga, la roux, mariah carey, madonna, beyonce and ladyhawke?

then it hit me. like a musical iv, my pop playlist was keeping me going. when i felt nothing and especially when i felt down, those snappy beats, snarky lyrics and fierce tones breathed a little life into me when i couldn’t do it myself.

for the first time in a long time, i actually felt music. i can’t say i’ve felt much else, but i’ve felt music.

which, as a writer, leaves me in a predicament. if i’m an artist (excuse me while i laugh for like 10 minutes), i’m supposed to put my feelings down in words…and if i’m feeling nothing, then there are no words, right?

yep. and yet i feel the need to blog, anyway. i KNOW, right?

so, if you want to know sheena-for-the-last-three-months (why isn’t that the name of a flower?), then listen to the following songs. in some cases, i identify with the lyrics; in others, i identify with the feel of the music; in some especially magical cases, it’s both.

and yeah. i know these aren’t from my pop playlist, but sometimes i strayed, ok?

“quiet little voices,” we were promised jetpacks

“i summon you,” spoon

“too shy to scream,” afi

“dark come soon,” tegan and sara

“doctor my eyes,” jackson browne

“someday,” tegan and sara

i identify with a lot of lyrics in several of these songs, but i feel like these words from “someday” are especially me right now, in a million different ways:

“might paint something i might want to hang here someday
might write something i might want to say to you someday
might do something i’ll be proud of someday
mark my words, i might be something someday…
i don’t wanna know that you don’t want me
i don’t wanna know what you’d do without me
i don’t wanna know what i’ll be without you
i don’t wanna know, i don’t wanna know.”

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